Why are we infantilizing adults? Interpersonal relationships are complex and nuanced; we can acknowledge and even warn against the potential dangers of severe age-gap relationships without insulting the autonomy and choices of those involved. These neo-puritanical bullshit tendencies creeping in on the left needs to stop; it’s a trojan horse for the next generation of conservatives. Reject non-nuanced conservative-bate thinking.
I get what you’re saying, but often the age gap isn’tthe problem: the men are.
When a 40 year old man dates a 20 year old, often times the man is an absolutely toxic child. That’s why the relationships are bad.
If both people were actually decent then things are okay, but that ain’t the case.
I agree that the way we socially condition and, more importantly, hold men accountable are the real issues, which only reinforces my point. If the problem is men rather than age gaps, why disparage age gaps and not male behaviors instead? It’s like trying to focus on getting the blood stain out of a carpet while somebody has an open wound on their arm and continues bleeding out; it’s focusing on the wrong part of what’s wrong in the scenario.
Maybe it’s more like walking into the room, seeing three square meters of blood, then saying “holy fucking shit something is wrong”
Your misunderstanding is that people think the blood on the floor is the problem.
And you’re right: sometimes there is a perfectly good reason why the floor is covered in blood.
Absolutely. There’s a reason why 40 year olds are going after teens - they know that women their age wouldn’t put up with their bullshit but the younger women will. They’re predators through and through because healthy relationships are equal, there is no power imbalance.
Serious question, who do you think is being infantilized here?
Subtext. This meme isn’t about the image, it’s about the culture upon which it is commenting. And a large reaction to that culture is beyond discouraging of age-gap relationships, it’s prohibitive of them. This reaction wants to redefine adulthood as post 25, label anyone above 25 who shows interest in those under as automatically and inherently predatory (as opposed to potentially predatory), and in doing so severely infantilizes anyone under 25 as “incomplete” adults, as if adulthood is some kind of clear journey with a specific and obvious destination, who they deem incapable of evaluating risks and circumstances and making autonomous choices.
This reaction wants to redefine adulthood as post 25
It’s even more than that, it wants to make adulthood some kind of sliding window where the age of the older partner defines how “adult” and “capable of making decisions” we see the younger partner, and the older a person gets the more people at the lower end of the age range get excluded for them from this fictional adulthood. For example: 60 and 30 would also be seen as inappropriate.
Now it’s perfectly normal for younger people not to find much older people attractive or suitable to have a relationship with and vice versa, and they may even find the idea repulsive, but this is still a personal preference. It’s probably even the preference of the majority of people, but that does not mean we should take away the agency of adults to choose their partners when they have a different, non-conforming preference. At that point it has nothing to do anymore with protecting vulnerable people from predators, but about imposing your own preferences and dating standards on other people, and you’re quite right in calling it out for the neo-puritanical and conservative thinking that it is.
Well-stated 👍
dis guy arguments.
It’s interesting, I agree with what you say here and this is what I thought you were saying… But when I read it the first time without additional context it kind of sounded like the argument was that we are infantilizing the older individuals. It appeared that the argument could have been: we make the “rules” and apply them to the older half because they are the ones who are incapable of dealing with their emotions, needs and desires.
You are right that it is in the subtext. This is the same poor argument that men are unable to control their desires if a woman wears revealing clothing… Just restructured around women being “taken advantage of” by a “smarter more mature male”.
It might also have been why the other commenter thought you were defending the conservative position. There are two steps here that you made when the intermediate step could also apply and would be an honestly revolting position to defend. I couldn’t quite figure out if it was a reasonable position or a very well hidden dog whistle.
I guess all I can say to that is that while I try best to communicate my meaning clearly, I am a fallible human who will sometimes fall short of perfect wording. Thank you for reading my words with an open mind and inquiring for more information where necessary rather than jumping to conclusions, I guess.
Honestly I’m okay with making the age of legal adulthood 25 years, and I’m part of one of the last generations that could buy cigarettes in the US at 18. A long time ago, people didn’t live as long as they do now, so it was just kinda mutually agreed upon that an 18 year old kid was smart enough to read and enter into a contract. Military enlistment? Contract. Marriage? Contract. Home loan? Contract. Can you honestly say that at 18 you knew what you were signing up for with every contract and agreement you were signing?
All of the 18-year olds will disagree. It would be quite cruel to take away their deserved freedoms of adulthood.
Sure if you’re older than 25 or 30 you know that you’re not fully mature at 18, but freedom is more important than being protected from all bad decisions.
I agree WRT things like voting. I believe if you’re old enough to be drafted or to voluntarily enlist you’re old enough to have a voice in government. But perhaps the draft age should be raised, if not outright abolished. The age to enlist should definitely be raised, as I feel exposing a kid, even one on the cusp of adulthood, to the horrors of war is abhorrent, doubly so if they are being conscripted.
Can you honestly say that at 25? At 35?
Why do you believe the period of intellectual growth should exist only throughout “childhood” and not beyond?
This isn’t so much about intellectual growth, as it is is about contract law. How many kids ended up over $100k in debt before 25 because they didn’t fully read and understand the pieces of paper they were told to sign to go to college? The biggest lie on the Internet is, “I have read, understood, and agree to the Terms of Service.” I think, for some kids, it’s too much to ask that they learn how to read a contract, unless you want to make it a graduation requirement, but that’s a whole other conversation.
It sounds to me like that’s an issue of predatory lending and business practices; why don’t we attempt addressing those issues rather than arbitrarily deeming people too underdeveloped to understand such things for literally a third of their estimated life-span
I think education is part of the problem. The legal age of adulthood is 18 in the US, but we don’t teach kids to be adults before then. We teach them how to pass standardized testing so the schools can say they’re not failing and continue to receive the most state and federal funding they can. Public schools in the US got really bad a teaching actual life skills along the way, mostly because we had a bunch of conservatives saying it’s the parent’s job to do that. I haven’t kept up with education for a while, so I don’t even know if kids are learning how to balance a checkbook.
How did you go from dating to contract law lmao
I got there from a point of, “at what point do we consider ourselves adults?” It’s kinda fucked that we say, “Yes, a kid fresh out of high school with hardly any actual life skills is perfectly competent to sign contracts, to understand the law and be held liable when they break it, date and possibly get married, enlist in military service, sign for loans, register to vote, and all this other good shit, but they’re not old enough to drink alcohol or smoke tobacco.” I mean, it’s settled science that at 18 years the brain is still developing, and doesn’t really stop developing until around 25. So, obviously I feel like that should be where we say adulthood should start.
I mean, if we’re not going to change it, then obviously we need to refocus public education in the US. Stop teaching kids to pass the standardized testing that state and federal government use to assign schools funding and focus more on teaching kids how to actually adult. How to make budgets, how to file taxes, how to read and comprehend contracts, etc.
Well there is scientific reasons to set the age at 25 because apparently that’s when our brains are actually fully grown. It’s much more arbitrary to put it at a random number like 18 or 21 which has no basis in science or rationality whatsoever, it was just picked randomly.
This issue is constantly telling younger adults that their choices aren’t valid and are subject to scrutiny by older adults, even total fucking strangers.
Because while it may result in a stable, positive, loving relationship (or just mutually great, harmless sex that’s what they’re after), it’s a strong predictor when people are actively seeking a relationship with that kind of gap. Think about the likely reasons someone would seek that kind of thing, and the likely outcomes. I think it’s reasonable to look at this sort of thing with suspicion, but not to immediately dust off the pitchforks and light the torches.
Not all middle-aged single men distributing candy from the back of their windows van are paedophiles, but it’s both reasonable and responsible to look at what they’re doing with suspicion.
It’s interesting you’d bring politics into this when conservatives seem so wrapped up in protecting child brides, child beauty pageants, fetishise youth, and appear to be massively over-represented represented in paedophilia stats.
If you thought I was defending conservatives, you’re wrong. There’s nuance to this; the topic is sexual dynamics but the purpose is dominance. This is a conservative kind of principle because it’s about limiting autonomy of consenting adults, enforcing social morals, and boogyman logic. We should be embracing and striving for a better, freer, more autonomous world, where everyone, women included, are empowered rather than limited, not just settling for a slightly preferable version of the patriarchy.
Which means embracing a nuanced world. Which is why I said acknowledge and even warn against the potential dangers of severe age-gap relationships; we don’t have to be blind to real world dangers, but that we shouldn’t let fear of those dangers drive us into blind ignorance again or else we’re just repeating the same cycle. Hence the trojan horse. We get better when we accept difficult concepts rather than accept simplified extractions for the masses.
edit: just in case my position is somehow still unclear, yes I’m using conservative as effectively synonymous with “bad” here. I’ll consider caring when they consider better conduct and positions.
I dunno. Speaking as a male, the reason I see older men seeking far younger women is that it’s easy to seem like the smartest guy in the room when you’re also the oldest guy in the room. You can project an air of worldliness that makes you seem smarter and wiser than you really are. You can get younger women, legal women, fawning over you because they’re young and haven’t really experienced enough of life and people to be wise to the bullshit. They avoid women around their own age because they’ve been around, they know all the tricks.
Yeah, which falls under the risks I mentioned not to be ignorant to.
But also, sometimes you’re a 23 year old who gets put on assignment at work with a 31 year old coworker and are surprised how well you hit it off.
My point wasn’t “yay age gap relationships!,” it was to evaluate the world around you with the necessary nuanced rather than reductively.
No but it’s weird. I bet you didn’t think of that
/s
I don’t understand what you are arguing about it than. The post doesn’t say we should vote for age gaps in relationships to be banned. Supposedly you think it’s good to talk about the downsides of these relationships, but here you are, calling it a “conservative Trojan horse”. It seems like you actually do not want people to criticise it.
I want them to criticize the right aspects. In general I want us to approach the world looking for more nuance, not looking for reductivism.
Yeah. Not impossible for the to be healthy relationships but those appear to be the minority. With age generalay comes other factors, like financial resources, that strike a relationship power imbalance.
I tend to agree with most of what you said but the main reason this is even a thing is that women typically date older men who are already established. Dating in your early 20s is basically impossible because your female counterparts aren’t looking for guys that are just starting out or figuring out who they are. Women seek security and sustainability and the 28 year old guy who knows himself and has his own house, good job and car looks far more appealing than the 21 year old who’s living with his parents or going to school. I’m not even criticizing women here, it makes sense.
Women seek security and sustainability
This is a huge overgeneralization and sounding like it might have come from incel thinking, do you have a source to say how many young women are primarily looking for that?
Not saying you’re defending conservatives - just embracing and diving into some of the nuance.
Broadly, I agree with you on this. The main possible point of difference between us relates to the perceived level of risk associated with such relationships. For what it’s worth, I’ve linked a NIH study on the topic to the angry lunatic that also responded to my parent reply.
I think it’s reasonable to look at this sort of thing with suspicion
I think it’s reasonable to mind your own fucking business. The judging and flimsy excuses to meddle are guaranteed to cause relationship issues for others.
You act when there’s evidence of abuse, not ‘predictors’. This is fucking twitter/reddit moon-logic where every day 5000 supposed serial killers are identified based entirely upon whether they kicked a dog or left the toilet seat up.
Think about the likely reasons someone would seek that kind of thing
This is a stupid assumption in itself. Most people don’t have a wealth of relationship options to choose from. If you’re desperate enough to denigrate yourself using tinder, you’re desperate enough to cast as wide a net as possible and settle for anyone not actively smoking meth.
Take a deep breath, my guy.
You act when there’s evidence of abuse, not ‘predictors’. This is fucking twitter/reddit moon-logic where every day 5000 supposed serial killers are identified based entirely upon whether they kicked a dog or left the toilet seat up.
Yeah - the National Institute of Health’s National Library of Medicine is a junk source, but here’s the actual data. Spoiler: it’s a predictor. I think it’s time you calmed down and started acting based on evidence rather than rage and moon logic.
You also seem to be confusing looking upon something with suspicion and actively intervening - why?
If you’re desperate enough to denigrate yourself using tinder, you’re desperate enough to cast as wide a net as possible and settle for anyone not actively smoking meth.
I thought we were dismissing moon logic and deferring to evidence. One in eight people in my country use online dating without controlling for anything - age, relationship status, nothing. Forbes Health state that 52% of American adults that have never been married use online dating, and Statistica report 57.44 million users of online dating in the US in 2022. On the other hand, the NIH report 2.5m Americans have used meth in the past year. Reeeally scraping the bottom of the barrel with over half the available dating pool, eh?
Are these feels based on your personal experience? You might be able to do better than meth addicts if you calmed down a little. There are plenty of free meditation resources online - it can’t hurt to give 'em a try!
I read this over a couple of times looking for your thesis statement… nope, there wasn’t a point hidden in there anywhere, just poorly-contextualised quoting of statistics, like how you gloss over the very poor success rates on dating apps/sites, and an opening strawman.
Just a very overwrought u mad troll. Okay, cool, can’t believe I interrupted my movie for a ploy straight out of 2010.
You also seem to be confusing looking upon something with suspicion and actively intervening - why?
Because there isn’t a difference. The moment someone falls on the wrong side of a taboo, they’re considered fair game. You’re just doing the work of rationalising it.
I read this over a couple of times looking for your thesis statement… nope, there wasn’t a point hidden in there anywhere
Did you get as far as the first two sentences from the study? I’ll give them here.
Adolescent girls with older male main partners are at greater risk for adverse sexual health outcomes than other adolescent girls. One explanation for this finding is that low relationship power occurs with partner age difference
I’ve brought credible, relevant studies and stats, you continue to defer to feels. “nuh-uh - I am rubber you are glue” isn’t going to cut it. That’s the feels covered, now tell me why you’d type the way you did it you weren’t blinded by rage.
There’s no difference between looking upon something with suspicion and actively intervening? This is just stupid on the face of it - tantamount to “There’s no difference between investigating someone and executing them.”
Is your treatment of reasonable suspicion (informed by credible studies) as active intervention, and insistence that you can only date the handful of crackheads in your age group the result of a persecution complex linked with relevant experience?
I think it’s time you calmed down
rage
feels
if you calmed down
free meditation resources
you continue to defer to feels
That’s the feels covered
now tell me why you’d type the way you did it you weren’t blinded by rage
Fuck me, you’re tedious and desperate. Oh noes, I swore again, I must be ‘raging’. Absolutely one-note, and about a decade by its best-by date as a troll, let alone a debate tactic. Even if you could get me stirred up, it wouldn’t be an impediment to my reasoning skills or articulation because I’m not a child.
I’ve brought credible, relevant studies and stats
…over something that was never a point of contention. You went google-fuing for no other reason than to look like you’ve got something to argue with me about.
There’s no difference between looking upon something with suspicion and actively intervening? This is just stupid on the face of it - tantamount to “There’s no difference between investigating someone and executing them.”
No, if we’re going with argument by analogy, what you’re doing is stirring up a witch hunt and then claiming no responsibility when people you’ve enabled drown a bunch of spinsters.
You don’t look upon a bunch of strangers’ relationships with ‘suspicion’ if you have any fucking concept of pulling your fucking head in and minding your own business. You’re a busybody, a gossip, a meddler. If you want a predictor, try having a healthy relationship with anyone when you’ve got a bunch of twat neighbours looking through your windows and whispering behind your backs. You’re the same kind of arsehole who makes going out in public hell for a lot of mixed-race couples because they get smirks and weird comments about how it must be a ‘mail order bride’ scenario. Like you’re not fighting for some great moral victory here, you just suck.
You go on this diatribe for keeping the data and practicalities in mind when I see a 45 year old guy with an 18 year old as you talk about people afflicted with addiction the way you do? Careful on the high road - I hear it’s precarious up there.
I’d encourage you to direct your witch hunt nonsense at the NIH. Not much for me to argue, sorry.
I hope that active imagination of yours is useful in your search for a stable relationship - truly.
Because muricans.
Yeah, in Germany they let 40 year old divorced dads go after 14 year olds.
Entschuldigung?
https://polizei.nrw/artikel/sex-ab-wann-und-mit-wem
Ab 14 Jahren dürfen Personen aus staatlicher Sicht grundsätzlich selber freiwillige sexuelle Handlungen an / mit Personen über 14 Jahren ausführen. Hier gibt es keine Altersgrenze bezüglich der anderen Person, diese kann auch deutlich älter sein (Elternrechte bleiben natürlich bestehen).
Even as a German I did not know. I find that age limit surprisingly low, considering there seems to be no max age for the other person.
Because just because you’re old enough to make your own choices, it doesn’t mean your choices are good. And from the other side, just because it’s legal doesn’t mean it’s right. Lots of older guys who date much younger women are very predatory and manipulative.
Because just because you’re old enough to make your own choices, it doesn’t mean your choices are good.
And does this suddenly stop being true at 30? At 50? Fallibility is a human condition that extends well into adulthood.
And from the other side, just because it’s legal doesn’t mean it’s right.
At no point have I been discussing the legality of anything. Legality is a separate conversation from morality, I agree.
Lots of older guys who date much younger women are very predatory and manipulative.
Yes, which I acknowledged, and even implicitly expressed the value in being aware of this fact. That cars have potential to result in fatal accidents is not good reason to fully discourage the use of automobiles, and the same logic applies here.
Found the older dude dating a 19 year old.
I’m 39, in a 10-year long monogamous relationship with a woman who is 35. Prior to her, my previous relationship was with a woman 6 years my elder.
What on earth is going on with that picture? Apparently the main source is this picture here.
Who processed it and why?
Looks like someone replaced their faces with Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt
That makes some kind of sense. Internet logic perhaps.
I’m pretty sure only Paris’ face was changed
No, both were. Can’t remember the other one’s name but she’s recognizable in the original pic but some random in the modified one.
I think that’s Tara Reid.
She used to be cool, then had some plastic surgery gone wrong and attempts to fix it made it worse. I think she once told it kinda broke her inside and she hasn’t been the same since. No idea what she’s up to nowadays.
It’s definitely Tara Reid but after I look again I see there were some subtle changes to her face, as well.
subtle
It’s literally Jennifer Anniston’s face lol
Ohhh hmmmmmmmmm
Idunno, but even though they’re saying this is the original, I still think Urlacher and Johnson are unrecognizable. Some heavy editing is still going on, methinks.
Before it was boring. Now i kinda wanna fap
I don’t know what the impetus is, but some people seem compelled to put face filters on pretty much everything. I saw a post a while back with a historical photo that had been processed for some reason. It’s absurd.
Holy shit. They were children. These chicks were older than me back then and looked like adults.
Achievment unlocked. You have earned a new perspective!
Happily married but from what I’ve encountered in the wild, I wouldn’t/couldn’t do anything under 28 or so. It’s a completely different worldview.
Not that worldview matters that much when having sex
Yeah, but that only lasts 90 seconds. What do you do for the rest of the day?
Plot the downfall of the bourgeoisie
Send her home? It’s not like you are forced to spend a whole day with a hookup?
Cry.
Whatever you want, I suppose. Are we assuming they want to date them instead of just banging or what do you mean?
It’s a simple joke, nothing more.
I don’t think it really works here because the assumption was that you wouldn’t be doing anything. Pump and dump
As I’ve gotten older, it’s not even just the worldview anymore, the body can look attractive but one look at the face and if the woman is young enough it’s an immediate turn-off.
but one look at the face…
The old paper bag trick does wonders.
Different phases of life, different priorities, and different perspectives. Someone in their 20’s is still trying to figure out what they want to do with their life. I’ve abandoned the search and am now stuck somewhere between raising my kids and trying to buy myself some free time before I die.
I also think you have to be friends with your spouse to have a successful marriage. Lucky for me, my wife is my best friend. It’s pretty difficult to build any sort of meaningful relationship with someone you have very little in common with.
My wife and I tried a poly phase (neither of us ended up liking anyone else lol) and while on dating apps I found 27 to be the minimum and upper 40’s to be the max. I realized that there was no real way to connect and relate to someone in a totally different phase of life.
Half your age plus seven.
Shit’s not hard, guys.
I don’t judge the age difference as long as they’re both adults. What two consenting adults do is up to them, it’s none of my business.
It depends on the relative power imbalance at this point. If a 20 year old is out at bars going home with 50 year old dudes, then slay queen. If it’s 20 year old secretary with 50 year old boss, then there’s a much higher chance that the situation is fucked, though still not 100% I suppose.
I’m always conflicted on the sugar daddy scenario. I mean if a woman is attractive and wants to leverage that into a relationship that makes her financially comfortable, who am I to say no?
Oh, I judge, particularly the older person, but not in some moralistic way. But in a “if at 50 you can have a romantic or sexual relationship, even temporarily, with an 18-year-old, I have some unflattering views of you.”
Hey is that Oyasumi Punpun?
I couldn’t remember the name and I am amused that the search string “sad bird manga” worked.
Lol I’m not even surprised, I mean that’s basically what it is
Unless you’re 20.
A relationship between a 20 yo and a 17 yo isn’t unethical. It’s not like we magically become more mature once we turn 18.
You kind of do. People change a lot after being in a major new phase of their life for a year.
I’m not going to say 17 and 20 is outright unethical. It’s possible for that to have been a freshman and junior in high school who had a long term relationship. They’re not required to break up.
But a 20 year old meeting a 17 year old is significantly more creepy, and is likely due to the power imbalance.
People change a lot after being in a major new phase of their life for a year.
What is this major new phase you’re talking about? graduating high school? I fail to see how that’s related to relationships. Also some people graduate earlier or later.
But a 20 year old meeting a 17 year old is significantly more creepy
Is an 18 year old meeting a 17 year old also creepy? Where do you put the limit? Why is a 30 year old meeting an 18 year old suddenly ok?
Some US state lawmakers would disagree
If I recall correctly, over here once the person reaches the age of consent (16) it’s considered legally acceptable if the different is + 4 years, meaning a 20 years old couldn’t be accused of being a pedo if they were going out with a consenting 16 years old…
They just need to remember to not be idiots and not to share pictures…
depends what your looking for
i like 1999 Dodge Durango type women
Solid. Rusty. Burning oil.
I can see it.
Beat up undercarriage.
But that 5.2L V8 will just go, and go, and go some more.
Hey bb my tailgate can’t close anymore and stuff falls out sometimes. Wanna hook up?
You did age divided by 2, TIMES seven. That… dramatically changes things.
I did not
Your hyperlink turned your ‘+’ into a space in the equation, which apparently counts as a multiplication symbol. This is the link you want: https://www.wolframalpha.com/input?i=Y%3DM%2F2%2B7%2C+M+from+20+to+50
Weird. It works when I click the link. Regardless, thanks for correction it.
It also doesn’t plot well in Wolfram alpha because of the scale break, which is critical here. And it’d be helpful to graph the upper bound too, mostly to show how it widens with age.
Wolfram|Alpha doesn’t understand your query
I dunno I had a girlfriend who was 34-36 when I was 21-23 and it wasn’t weird or anything, still friends many years later even though we have our own families now. She got carded buying alcohol more than me so it’s not like it was obvious though.
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What if half my age plus 7 is 6 months less than my other half’s age? Too close?
They literally said that was the acceptable range.
You said your SO fails within that range.
Ergo, that’s acceptable.
…as the original comment said, “Shit’s not hard.”
But 10 years ago when we met it would have been outside that range.
Half my age plus 7 would have been 4.5 years older then her age then. How can it be acceptable now, but not then?
That’s literally how the formula is intended to work, since any given age difference means less the older the two parties are (ie. a 40 year old married to a 50 year old is no big deal, but that same couple at 16 age 26 years old is creepy, and illegally so).
If your partner was 4.5 years outside of the formula range when you met (and assuming when you met is when you started dating…not some stupid gotcha like “we met at church when I was a teenager and they were a young child, and we didn’t see each other romantically for another 15 years! Haha!”) it’s probably a situation where it was indeed eyebrow raising when you started dating.
Because we assume that life experience is an inverse square relationship with age.
Nah on tinder it’s 18 to 118 for me. Keep it legal, don’t hurt anybody, have fun.
don’t hurt anybody
Gonna have to be real careful in your upper range then… Not judging, just warning 😁
Make sure the hip has already been replaced.
Just not too recently. Trust me, I know.
Because once you reach a certain age, the hips do lie
Live out that Cialis commercial let’s go
Not actually how I know, but sure 😁
My 120 year old grandma is disappointed.
So you’re saying she’s single?
And ready to mingle!
You want to avoid the 18yo, all the bots are there.
How do people deal with getting older when the hottest girls are out of your age range.
I was hoping as I get older women I’m most attracted to would get older. Seems my standards are just lowering but a 20 year is still banging.
Disclaimer: I’m old and retired. My wife is 7 years younger than me and we’ve been married 37 years.
You will always stop and look at and admire a pretty young lady. You might even think to yourself, “If I was 40 years younger!” And then immediately think to yourself “But any way”.
As you get older you will become more attracted to older women. Not because you think they are prettier than younger women, that’s biology for you. But, you will find the personality and cultural reference points of age far more compelling than plain beauty in your relationships. Turns out, shared life experiences and culture means more in the long run than the smell of bubble gum and all the drama of youth.
Eh. I want to fuck a 20 year old. I want to have a relationship with a 40 year old. I’ve been in two different casual relationships with women younger than me (33/23, and 35/26) and they were exhausting. Not having any common cultural touchstones was a much bigger bummer than I thought it would be. So I wanted to spend an hour or two with them, but I find myself perfectly content spending an entire day with my current (39/35) fiance.
You’re still gonna be attracted to 20yos physically. There’s over 100k years of evolution that wants you to mate with the fittest, most attractive mate that you can. But is that a person you actually want to spend time with outside of the bedroom? So, yeah, your standards in regards to physical attractiveness are gonna drop as you age, but your other standards will likely change too.
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They don’t. Go and reread what I wrote, then come back here and quote the part of my comment where I said that.
And I again refer you back to what I previously wrote, your priorities change as you age. Mine did. I’m far more likely to have sex with a partner who’s company I enjoy than someone who’s company I don’t enjoy. That aside, I didn’t say you’re gonna just start solely having sex with only people you have good company with. I didn’t even say that you’d stop trying to have sex with people you were physically attracted to. I said your standards will change. Which insinuated that maybe you might not have slept with someone when you were 18yo cos they didn’t meet your criteria of being attractive back then, but you might now cos your standards have changed.
How do people deal with getting older when the hottest girls are out of your age range.
There are certain qualities a man needs to consistently attract hot women. Age does not matter as much as one would think. It certainly doesn’t matter in a way that is fair to women.
So as the hottest girls leave my age range, I don’t much think about it. I’m turning 40 this year, and I’m worrying about how old I’ll be at my kids’ graduations not what any 20-somethings think about old man me.
when the hottest girls are out of your age range.
I’m 46. I’m married, but if I was single, I find women near my age more attractive than much younger women. The sophistication and poise that can come with age is more attractive to me. I’m not saying I would kick either of the above women out of my bed, but I’d much rather be with someone in their 40s.
The sophistication and poise that can come with age is more attractive to me
There are sophisticated 20 year olds and there boorish 60 year olds.
The dichotomy you describe isn’t real, it’s projected onto these women.
There are sophisticated 20 year olds and there boorish 60 year olds.
Hence the word ‘can.’
The dichotomy you describe isn’t real, it’s projected onto these women.
Poise and sophistication is something that often comes with age regardless of gender.
Poise and sophistication is something that often comes with age regardless of gender.
Relative poise and sophistication. Nobody exists in a vacuum, and while yes I do agree that people generally progress and refine themselves as they age, there are hundreds of other factors that I would argue are vastly more relevant than age. It’s not hard to find a 20 year old from a nurturing environment or conversely a 20 year old who survived difficult and grounding circumstances either of which may display vastly more sophistication and poise than a spoiled 60 year old raised in comfort and wealth who never had to challenge any of their expectations.
While some trend might exist between the two things, a) I think it’s wildly overblown, b) it’s nowhere near absolute enough to establish rules based upon it, and c) regardless it’s an aside from what you claim to be after anyway. If you want a partner with sophistication and poise, then seek one with those qualities, don’t just project them onto him/her/them because you assume they should have them based on age. If you’ve got a craving for apple you shouldn’t pick up a pomegranate just because you know the food you like is colored red.
This is the second time you have accused me of projecting. Where is your evidence that I am projecting anything onto anyone?
To be honest I thought we were sort of discussing in generalities rather than intending any of it to read as directed at you personally. I apologize, I wasn’t attempting to accuse you specifically of anything. I meant we, as a society, project these ideas, and to go further I’ll admit it’s sloppy word choice as what I mean is I guess more closely “presume to have” rather than “project.” Again, I did not mean any specific insult or accusation to be directed at you and apologize for presenting my point in a way that could be read as such.
Okay, fair enough.
One aspect: I feel once you start thinking about having a family (and not being a farting old decrepid mess by the time your children are 20yo) you really start looking for someone who can be committed and would be interested in starting one, and that really doesn’t include hot 20yo girls.
Another: People who age gracefully show they can take care of themselves and look amazing any age. That is powerful. Combined with the fact 25+ have a much better sense of style and manners, and understand the world so much more in a nuanced way.
You pivot from being attracted to physical attributes towards being attracted to personality.
That, and people who see you with all the warts, scars and more… And see it as just part of you.
IDK hot women are hot not based on age, if the have good common sense and intelligence, already above 7. I’d rather date an 18 year old who can think critically and not believe dumb nonsense on Facebook than a 40 year old who talks like a spoiled elementary schooler believing in essential oils and qanon shit. Plus no random kids from Father’s they don’t know💀
Is that even a serious question? It’s literally biology. Humans are in their prime between like 18 and 24 years old (just made that range up so could be +/- few years but likely close). Same concept as why a fucking tomato will look worse 4 days after you bring it home from the store. We are organic beings. Organic materials degrade. Just accept it ;-). There is more to a relationship than looks.
You may wanna bang a 20 year old when you’re 40, but would you want to date/marry a 20 year old? I certainly fucking wouldn’t.
In my experience, it doesn’t matter what you set your age or distance range to in Tinder, because you’re going to get people 10 years older or younger and a hundred miles farther away than you specify anyway.
There’s a little toggle box that says “only show me people in this age range” and that always works for me.
Yeah, that just never seems to work for long. I currently have it set to 35-45, and it’s showing me 20-somethings. And I live in a huge city, so it’s not like it’s running out of people in my age range to show me.
Divorced? Who the hell can even afford to get married anymore…
That’s one way to lower the divorce rate.
As an actual 40 YO divorced dust that used apps for a bit, I felt weird doing 10 +/-, but I can’t imagine there are THAT many guys with such a wide range.
You’re going to be surprised at the number of young women with daddy issues.
Or people in general with the wrong age
Also true.
You mean 18-99? Haven’t used tinder in ~7 years or so, but I believe there was an upper limit. Found out by trial and error that apparently some women enter their year of birth instead of their age, when I matched with someone who was allegedly 97 years old.
I’d be okay if it filtered out that “97” year old.
Yeah, that sounds like a good stupid test. “You must be at least this smart to date me.”
As a 40 year old dude I don’t think I’d be setting my age range to that upper bound if I were to be divorced. More like 35 and that’s with large caveats.
Nor that low. Have you ever actually talked to a 19 year old as a 40 year old? …
I was going to say 18-34 would be more believable. With most of them full supporters of “That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.”
I thought this was the default setting until the user goes in to edit preferences. It was doing that to me until I went in to stop it from flinging my profile at literally everyone.
Isn’t the rule of thumb half your age plus 7?
So 27 is cool for a 40year old?
Per that rule of thumb, 27 is on the border of being creepy.
Yes?
Women hit their sexual prime around 26. I doubt most 40 year old men can keep up with a 27 year old.
Sometimes women want a real man with real skills, not a 25-year-old boy living with his parents. Young healthy women are attractive. Win-win.
No. I tried. They’re 40 year old man children who are marginally better at hiding it, except these daughter fuckers won’t grow out of it.
It takes a special kind of toad to seek out a much younger spouse.
You may be right, but I hate it.
If you’re rated X, you’re some kinda gold even men turning silver try to make
