I got divorced like 5 months ago after a 9 years with this girl who cheated on me, emotionally abused me, etc etc
I’ve been suicidal since the split, getting worse by the day still, and literally nobody ever asked if I was OK, aside from my mom. Even when I begged close friends for support they basically just ghosted me. My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with? The attitude towards me is just “get over it”. I’ve lost almost everyone I’m close to because of this and I’m starting to think there might actually be one viable option of getting over it because existing is simply torture. All of 2025 felt like just a bad dream but it’s unfortunately real.
Edit: Yes I have a counselor - a very good one I see weekly.
Counseling. Please. Quickly.
Call or text 988 for help with suicidal thoughts
Do not try to “gut” through things alone
Weekly. Last session was yesterday.
Good for you. Keep at it, and don’t just think all counselors are the same. If yours is not working for you, just change. No real counselor will be upset if you do.
They will never suggest change themselves
This is the fourth counselor I have had in my life and this guy is by far the best one. I was recommended him by a coworker whom I respect very much.
Medicine helps too. I’m on Bupropion now, after having suicidal thoughts on Lexapro.
It’s been good for me; it has completely eliminated the ideations, even though things in life have actually gotten worse.
I am on lexapro for 5 years and honestly i didn’t think about swapping stuff. Maybe i should ask about adding welbutrin.
Dude. Coming off Lexapro SUCKS, but I’m glad i did.
That’s why im afraid to do so. 5 years taking it. I feel really good on it though, but maybe the effect has faded and I cant even tell. But when i got on it i felt so good.
If you still have a decent hairline be aware that Bupropion is the antidepressant with the strongest association with hair loss according to a meta analysis from ~5 years ago. I know it nuked my hairline after just 3-4 months of being on it.
And to reply to your original topic, yeah, women receive way more support post-breakup in my experience, while men are expected to just suck it up. As a male you’re treated as disposable whose worth is based on what he can offer others, while women are inherently valued for being female.
It is what it is.
I split with my ex of 10 years (together while I was 18 thru 29ish) and took for granted what support I did have. I’m lucky to have had parents and adult siblings on my side.
You’re doing a heavier lift than I had to. I’d have been in a bad place if I had no support. You were dealt a shitty hand. But the support is there, and you’re on the right track to healing by seeing your therapist. Future you will be able to look back and see this for the learning experience it is. Today my wife and I tease past-me about some red flags I ignored about my ex.
I want to share Tragedy + Time by Rise Against with you. It may come across as intended for the bereaved, but its words do not gatekeep feelings based on the cause of them. (It says “she” once but don’t get hung up on the gender.) In fact, I am tearing up right now at the thought that you, feeling what you feel, might find some solace in it.
People tend to side with the woman in a separation. Its the side effect of a patriarchal spciety: Toxic Masculinity. Men are just expected to have no emotions and can handle everything on their own, which isn’t true at all.
I feel the same. My parents tells me I need to “stop crying because I’m not being ‘manly’ enough”. Like, bruh I have a fucking existential crisis and disagnose depression and really wanna kms right now. So I get it.
The Left hasn’t doen enough to address the issues that men are facing, which is why the alt-right pipeline is so ripe for picking off boys to their fascist agenda. But please, remember, fascists aren’t your friends, no matter what they say. Plese don’t fall for the alt-right pipeline, my friend.
I think the left just needs to recalibrate their priorities. Society issues can only be solved with true Egalitarianism that supports both Men and Women.
I fell into alt right when she started abusing me which helped destroy the relationship. I got out of that shit.
I fell into alt right
That might have contributed to your friends ghosting you, depending on the friend group. You may have been legitimately grieving due to various reasons, but it might not have been perceived that way by your friend group.
I don’t know the full details of your interactions, but I could easily see that being a red flag for some of your friends.
I got out of that shit.
Good, because a lot of the alt right influencers prey on people like you were in your predicament. I’m sorry you went down that rabbit hole.
I place a lot of blame on myself for how things turned out but I’m pretty sure the reality is that I am not that person at all and would have never made said mistakes if she wasn’t so mean to me.
I’m glad you got out of that but I think we figured out why your friends stopped supporting you. You have reaped what you’ve sewn. Your actions had consequences.
Now that you’re free of both the relationship and the toxic mindset it would be a good time to pick up some hobbies that would encourage meeting and making new friends.
Lol in real life people dont care about politics that much
A leftist response to the alt-right pipeline starts with men. It would take a ton of emotional labor, but at-risk boys simply aren’t going to listen to women the way they will listen to men.
This brings a conundrum, as women are generally much more practiced at emotional labor than men are. They aren’t naturally better, they don’t choose to take it on, but they are conditioned to deal with it in a way that most men aren’t. That’s why women tend to have support networks that are there for them in times of difficulty, but many men don’t. Again, it’s not inherent nor a choice, but a complex result of society and circumstance.
Point is, if you’re a man and you’re waiting around for someone else to start lifting up men and boys, you’re going to be waiting a long time. As cliché as it is, you have to be the change you want to see in the world. Have some male friends you haven’t talked to in a while? Message them, ask them how they’ve been, and don’t be scared to get deep about things.
A support network starts with connecting two points, and if you don’t make the effort to build and maintain it, it’s not going to happen.
I feel like it’s weird to say “the left isn’t doing enough for men” when the left is full of men who are struggling with the same thing. They grew up in the same society, filled with the same outdated “suck it up” mentality.
So I appreciate you calling out the issue of younger men not being in a place to listen to women, and the issue of men in general not being in a place to emotionally support their fellow men. It’s not a left vs right thing, it’s that most men are simply ill-equipped to handle emotional labor due to these outdated cultural norms, and yet those same men are naturally the primary providers of support for other similarly ill-equipped men.
Just because the alt right is pretending to care about the needs of men doesn’t mean the left is worse at this. The alt right isn’t standing up for men, they’re using vulnerable men as a means to an end, and replacing “suck it up” with “blame women and leftists”. They’re not telling you how to truly process your emotions with patience and care, they’re just shifting the blame.
There’s plenty of men on the left that serve as excellent role models, they just don’t spend their time constantly talking about their gender, because a large part of evolving past these outdated cultural norms about gender is actually moving past these cultural norms about gender.
This means viewing people and their problems as human first before viewing them as <insert gender>. The majority of people who constantly fill the airwaves about “what it’s like to be a man” are actually just men who are still desperately clinging to those same self-destructive norms. They perpetuate this divide between genders, and leave their fellow men feeling alone and misunderstood and vulnerable to manipulation.
It definitely is not a left vs right thing. The context of my comment was simply “a response to the alt-right pipeline.” That’s the most that political alignment matters in this situation.
Is the advice in my comment wrong? I’m a woman who’s been watching the alt-right chew up and spit out boys for a while. My power to do anything about it is limited, because (if online) as soon as such a young man learns that I’m female, they have a ready-made reason to ignore everything I say. If in-person, they would dismiss me before I even speak. I do a lot of activism and speaking to build community and support local causes, but this is one arena that I can’t even enter. The nature of this issue invalidates me from the get-go.
What else can I do except encourage men to step up and do the activism that I wish I could do?
Not at all, I meant it when I said I appreciated your comment! I was just adding my own thoughts to the conversation.
It’s really hard for most people - man or woman - to make any headway in this arena precisely becase of the points you made. These poor men are very effectively primed to only respond well to traditionally masculine role models and talking points, and yet it is that very same traditional masculinity that is holding them back.
I just wanted to clarify in the context of the OP why they might feel like “the left isn’t doing enough,” and why that is actually just a part of the alt-right pipeline working as designed.
Ah, I see. I appreciate the clarification!
I’m sorry that you’re in this position and I can unfortunately understand on a deep level on just how distressing it can feel to be alone.
This situation that you’re describing is really painfully close to what I personally experienced with one of my own breakups.
Men are often viewed as the ones who should predominantly pull themselves up by their bootstraps and as such shouldn’t be given empathy or the right to be listened to.
- an an Enby I’ve both seen and experienced this firsthand.
It really sucks that these kinds of disconnection happens when reality really doesn’t have to be this way.
I unfortunately can’t say anything that could possibly fix this landscape but please know that you are not alone. 💪
💖🙌 Your pain and emotional distress is real, you deserve love just as everyone else. 🔥💖
If possible, I’d highly reaching out to your local social empathy/mental help centres as I’ve personally found help there and they might be able to help you as well🍀🌻
Thanks.
100%
It is, oddly enough, another side effect of misogyny and "the patriarchy " that is not often recognized. Sadly, when it is recognized, it can be distorted by hateful opportunists looking to for profit and influence in the name of men’s rights.
I hope OP finds the support he needs.
I have one particular friend who left me because he thinks I’m anti feminist due to this exact sentiment.
It’s important that you phrase your frustration and anger and sadness entirely on who. This wasn’t women as a whole, this was one woman who stabbed you in the back.
I’m going through a divorce right now. For the most part the friends and people I’ve told have largely been supportive of me. I think it helped that I had friends that were my own and not shared with my ex-wife. The shared friends we had together have mostly supported her, but they were her friends before we had met. One of the things I have done since splitting is getting more involved with my hobby that is improv theater. Finding a hobby where you are around others can help with building a group of friends who know you not through your ex or past relationship. It would make it more likely that they would support you and not her.
My guy. I hear you and see you. It’s unfortunate the way things landed for you. Keep putting in the hard work. I wish I had more advice for you, but I’m down in the weeds in a similar “friend” situation myself.
I will say this: do things to take care of yourself. Keep the house clean, make yourself bonafide dinners, and treat yourself every now and again.
Yep.
Everyone in my life was done hearing about my divorce LONG before I was ready to stop talking about it. But, I just had to shut up and carry on, or risk driving them away.
This happened to me with a good friend. He wanted to stop listening, and admittedly I was on repeat (severe depression, major life changes coming and I couldn’t cope properly) - but it has the effect of drifting us pretty severely.
I resonate with this a lot. I wished I stopped talking about it with certain people sooner.
I don’t blame them, some people have enough shit they are dealing with and they simply don’t know what to say.
I do think that this is partly what therapy is useful for, talking about something you’re not done with yet
What is your routine like? Do you go to work? Volunteer? Have hobbies?
I ask this because going through a breakup — any breakup — involves a grieving process. Part of grieving is about moving on. A big part of doing that is finding new things to do, new people to talk to, and new things to talk about.
Counseling is good, but talking to other friends and family about her can make it very difficult. If you meet someone new — doesn’t have to be romantic, can be any gender, can just be a friend — can give you a person to talk to and topics to discuss that involve you and your interests and have nothing to do with her.
When you’re in a relationship for a long time a lot of your thoughts and even the objects around you in life get tangled up in that so that when she’s gone these things still remind you of her. What you need is to be selfish — grieving is a selfish process — because you need to reorient your mindset around yourself and taking care of yourself.
Lastly, I think it’s also helpful to have a third space where you can focus on stuff completely outside yourself and all that. For me it’s been volunteering as a tutor for high school kids. It gives me a time and a space each week to forget about everything and focus on something else. Helping kids and seeing them learn is a nice bonus for that. That may not be your cup of tea though, but something else may be! If you aren’t already into volunteering I’d encourage you to look into some volunteer organizations near you and try to find one that fits your interests.
I find most everyone I know had been just keeping afloat even before this year and now are facing more disruptions. Most can’t handle knowing someone needs help because they are not in a position to give it. May not apply to your case but its something I see in my life.
What got me through what sounds like a very similar divorce for me was being a part of a hobby with an inperson community that met weekly in every large city around me.
I drove probably 300 miles a week going to events to do anything to get my mind off life and spend time with people I actually liked, doing something I enjoyed.
Things that come to mind that will meet this are martial arts, fighting games, and outdoor activities (like biking or hiking groups).
That sounds really tough and I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling. It’s really good that you have a counselor and you’re talking things through with someone who will help you learn how to advocate for yourself. The people in your life who were ghosting you might be a combination of shitty people and people who are afraid/uncomfortable with your new lifestyle. The only thing that matters now is tending to yourself and building a life that fits and feels right. Lots of good advice on here about finding hobbies that keep you engaged and will support you in finding new friends. If anything I’ll be your friend and check in with you, so hit up my dm’s anytime.
Are you ok?
I had something similar happen when I was much younger.
When I was in the relationship, the girl manipulated all of our friends into believing I was cheating on her, giving them sob stories, and telling them about evidence she found that did not exist.
They had no reason to doubt her so they all invited her to move out from our place and in with them, I had no idea any of this was going on and when we were all together everything seemed normal.
One guy in that group of friends stood up for me and said she was full of shit but no one listened to that dude…until her lies came crashing down because I found out she was cheating on me. She left the state within a week and that friend group sat me down and told me about everything she had said and done.
My guess is your ex is similar. She’s probably been playing your friends for a long time and they have no reason to doubt her.
Shitty friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with?
The latte,.been there done that 30 years ago albeit I keft (no cheating involved)
Good licwk amd hope u can come out the other side and not be bitter.
