Rereading the title sent me.

What a weird thing to say.

Or they could just not bring back literally the most boring villain possible.

And I want to be very clear that I’m not saying the Emperor is the most boring villain in cinema history, even though he is. I’m saying he’s the most boring villain possible.

When he was introduced in the original trilogy he was a nameless old man in a robe. Defining characteristics? None. Voice? Evil. Face? Evil. Motivation? Evil. Outfit? Featureless robe, black because he’s evil.

The best part about The Last Jedi was that they were fixing the downgrade that RotJ made of replacing the most badass movie villain of all time with – I can’t stress this enough – the most boring villain possible. TLJ killed the Emperor stand-in and set Kylo Ren up as the real villain. That was exciting.

But then they let fan forums write the third movie, and somehow, the Emperor came back.

It’s hard to find the balance between letting the joke breathe versus making it too obvious. I’m not sure I hit that balance this time, but it seemed less funny any other way I could think to say it.

That’s true.

With a T9 phone, I used to be able to send a complete text message without ever taking my eyes off the road.

Now that I’ve got a touchscreen I’m swerving all over the place every time I try to text. It’s way less safe.

Still the first scientific report, alphabetically.

Or just stop after the first sentence.

Have you tried saying, “Please don’t ask me that anymore”?

That will address the exact problem without being rude, without offending him, and without opening it up for more questions. You don’t owe him an explanation, so don’t leave an opening for one. Just say: “Please don’t ask me that anymore.”

If he asks why, you say, “Doesn’t matter. Please don’t ask me that anymore.”

If he offers an explanation for why he’s asking you that, you say, “Ok. Please don’t ask me that anymore.”

Neat and easy. No unintended consequences.

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Fuck. I’ve gotten so used to it on reddit that I didn’t even notice it this time.

My daughter once asked me, “Do rainbows stop the rain?”

She was three and, in my opinion, very insightful. These rainbows keep showing up right about the time the rain stops. A little too convenient to be a coincidence, right?

My wife and I do the same, and the results have been great. An old friend of mine met my daughter for the first time when she was two and a half, and she just walked right up to him and says, “Hello. My name is _____. It’s very nice to meet you.”

When my current two-year-old is in a bad mood, we’ll ask him if he’s being a curmudgeon, and he’ll say “No, I’m not being a curmudgeon.” They speak in full sentences because my wife and I speak in full sentences. They use big words because we use big words.

On the other hand my daughter is five now and still thinks it’s pronounced “breafixt” instead of “breakfast”, and we don’t correct her because it’s adorable. So we still have fun with it.

I don’t think any of this means they’re geniuses or are guaranteed success later in life or anything. They’re probably both gifted, but that just means they’re a couple years ahead. A four-year-old who talks like a six-year-old is a great parlor trick, but a twenty-year-old talking like a twenty-two-year-old isn’t going to give them a big leg up. That’s why I like to get all my bragging in now.

The CEO would just be a fall guy, and the decision-making would go to someone else.

I’m absolutely not joking. If you’re cooking it for less than 45 minutes, you’re not caramelizing the onions. Frequent stirring, adding water, whatever, you can get the color and texture of caramelization, but not the flavor.

I spent a couple of years making slightly disappointing meals because I was focused on the color and texture of my onions instead of the flavor. When I finally took the time to fully caramelize them again, I remembered what I had been missing.

Try it and taste the difference if you don’t believe me.

Sure, you can use non-caramelized onions. You just won’t get that sweetness.

Remember, it takes at least 45 minutes to caramelize an onion. If you’re doing it for less than 45 minutes, then you’re just cooking it.

“customers are shopping more with Kroger now than ever because we are fighting inflation and providing great value.”

I call shenanigans. I don’t always pay close attention to the prices of all the things I buy, but one thing I do pay attention on is soda. (Probably because it’s bad for me, so I give myself additional justification to buy it or not.)

And amidst all this “inflation”, and all the talk about lowering prices back down to reasonable levels Kroger’s price just on soda just jumped 25%.

Years ago I used to get a 12-pack for $5, and sometimes there’d be a 3-for-$12 deal. When COVID hit, it was 3-for-$15. Post-COVID, $7 a box. When they raised it to $8, I stopped buying it unless it’s on sale or if my wife specifically requests it, and then I only buy one.

Then I went to Kroger a few weeks ago, and the only way to get a price under $8/box was to sign up for something on their app and sell them my personal information. So I decided not to buy from Kroger anymore.

This week my wife specifically requested a box, I was in Kroger anyway, and now it’s $10/box or 3-for-$8. Fuck that. They hit their limit with me, and there are no circumstances in which I’m paying that much for soda.

My person was like a disembodied arm. Like if pushing the ball off the table were a game on the Wii, which I guess would mean it was in first person.

As someone who owns a car and is married to a handicapped person, I’m pretty happy about parking minimums where I live.

Thank you. I agree about many comics straining to find humor. That’s why I don’t make very many comics.